Get Thee Behind Me!

ladies and gentleman of idaho, as i have said many times before, i am not gay! what happened in that bathroom stall at the minneapolis-st. paul international airport was a god’s honest mistake. if you recall, in 1989, i was the one who led the charge against representative barney frank for his involvement with a gay prostitute. i was the one who read every document relating to his filthy acts, poring over the ins and outs, to ensure that justice was serviced, uh, i mean served. i did not enjoy that work, but it was something that needed to be done, to protect the moral standards of the hardened members of the house of representatives. after weeks of studying the particulars of mr. frank’s powerfully disturbing encounters, i felt i had to thrust my will upon the house ethics committee for a more severe punishment for mr. frank, who had been very, very, very, very, very, very naughty. i think it is abundantly clear that i am no friend of the gays. like you, i think that acts of homosexuality are disgusting and should be punished, and if i could, i would personally mete out those punishments. my fellow idahoans, i do not get aroused by looking at or fantasizing about grown men naked, no, no, no, i am married to a devoted woman named… a wonderful doting wife…named, ah, yes, Suzanne. and the thought that my friends and colleagues think of me in a homosexual way, is beyond upsetting. if there should be a crime, it is the crime of folly, and i have already discussed this with my heavenly father. after all, it was he who gave me these long legs that got me into this trouble, heh, heh. is the left wing media now going to punish a man for having long legs and tapping his foot? while in that bathroom stall i might have, yes, might have, brushed against the person’s foot in the stall next to mine. i might have rubbed against his foot. is rubbing against someone’s foot a crime? imagine my shock when i came out of that closet... stall, stall, and the person in the stall next to mine identifies himself as an officer of the law and arrests me for lewd conduct. i ask you brothers and sisters of idaho, what would you have done? well, i was mortified. i wanted the whole mess to go away, so i foolishly went along with it, and i told the sargeant, okay, yes, i did try to solicit sex from an undercover police officer. i thought if i’d just say that, then this entire mess would be behind me, well, not behind me, but you know what i mean.