Wu Wei All the Way

on friendships
i feel one of two ways:
(1) liberated, setting my friendships adrift, meeting joyfully when we will, letting years pass, not actively keeping in touch...
OR
(2) tense, unsure if friends are still my friends, if my lack of contact is enough to sever ties...

usually i'm feelin' #1, but lately, i've been feelin' a little #2 (no-not that number 2). i have to accept certain realities about myself. that is, i am a little bit of a loner, but i love my people! and when they reappear in my life after a long hiatus, i want to hug them and never let go, but let go i must...we all have to let go. that said, i heard from a couple of friends via email that i haven't heard from in some time, and it made me slip from #1 to #2. the need to possess and hold and reaffirm took over momentarily, but then i let go, with the thought that the folks who reappear again and again, as if no time has passed, are not going anywhere. and with that, i ease back to #1.
lights fade out. Sting's "if you love somebody, set them free" is heard on a distant radio.
orchid

isn't this beautiful? it's a "new" species of orchid (1 of 11 species of plants and animals) discovered in a remote jungle in vietnam. it looks hearty in its rareness. the center reminds me of the electrical impulses of neurons. i like to 'trip out' on beauty in nature and art, so that it reappears in my dreams, transforming my thoughts and coloring the words that spill out of me.

a new outlook

no more grand plans. no more stock in the future. i want to be in every moment. ashok and i talk about art and keeping it alive, just about every day. more so now that we work in environments that are devoid of it. all the more reason to keep the art alive in ourselves in the moments we can. a small fire to sustain us throughout the day, allowing us to be present, not always looking to the future to save us. the taoist principle of wu-wei comes to mind here. chuang tzu, a taoist sage, called it "purposeless wandering", and that's exactly what i want to do. the idea has been reduced to the cliche, "going with the flow", and i guess, looking beyond the tedious banality of that phrase, there's something to it. i imagine myself floating in a river. sometimes the current is rough, sometimes serene. but i'm there all the while, going where it takes me. it's moving me. it's me, moving. and the line between 'it' and 'me' becomes blurred. so, wu-wei coupled with my uncle's philosophy which is, there is nothing in life to worry about is all i need right now. and, of course, the words of the gurus: narayana, nataraja, & nitya. i will always fall back on those. so, i'm trying to be here now, man!! and every moment offers me a new chance. wish me luck!

fall
it's officially fall, and i am itching to go back to starved rock. i want to wait until it's just right, though, preferably on a day where there's only a few other homo sapiens around. and the leaves are at their prime transformation, when the colors are most vibrant. i want to drink up those colors and sit in a canyon and breathe it all in, with my baby.

Apocryphy

Sunita Pillay, better known as Sarah Jael Pillay to her readers, was born to Indian immigrants in Chicago in 1972. Author of such bestsellers as The Right Way to Live (1999), There is No Such Thing as Too Much (2001), War Works (2004), and Straight Talk: Real Life Stories of Gay Conversions (2006), Pillay has secured a worldwide audience of believers whose numbers seem to be ever-increasing. Today in America, the conservative Christian Right is no longer a socio-political minority, thanks in part to revolutionary thinkers such as Sarah Jael Pillay.

The seeds of her convictions were sown in 1984, during a mock presidential election in her seventh grade social studies class, when a pre-pubescent Pillay cast her vote for Ronald Reagan. She has been a loyal Republican ever since. But something far more interesting than the vicissitudes of earthly politics occurred five years later.

During her senior year of high school, Sarah Jael Pillay discovered God.

Late one night, while idly channel surfing, she came upon the 700 Club Christian talk show. She had always been curious about the show, but never dared put it on in front of her Hindu parents. But she was alone that night when she heard the sound that would change the course of her life: a rendition of the popular Christian hymn “Lord, I Lift Your Name on High” sung by a group of five-and six-year-old orphans in India. “I actually knelt in front of my parents’ television set and wept,” Pillay recalls. She considers that moment to be an epiphany. As a result, Pillay became a regular, albeit inconspicuous, viewer of the 700 Club and claims that Dr. Pat Robertson cured her of her manic depression, which in the past she had attempted to self-medicate with copious amounts of marijuana. “Just like that, I gave up the pot and the Pink Floyd and embraced a new drug, which was Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. All thanks to Pat and the show. I do remind him of that quite frequently!” Pillay chuckles.

Shortly thereafter, she became born again and changed her Indian given name to what she considers her God-given name, Sarah, referring to the loyal wife of Abraham in the Old Testament. Her middle name, Jael, alludes to another woman in the Bible who is said to have murdered a Canaanite army captain in his sleep, by using a mallet to drive a wooden tent nail through his temple. Pillay says she was drawn to Jael for her fearlessness. “She knew what had to be done, and she did it, without second guessing herself. That is true courage,” declares Pillay.

Her freethinking Indian parents, however, refused to call her by her new name, and never quite understood their daughter’s sudden attraction to Christianity. They dismissed her conversion as a phase, but eventually relented when she pleaded with them to attend a conservative Baptist Women’s college in Alabama, reassuring themselves that she would be far from the influence of libidinous young men. Judson College turned out to be the ideal place for Pillay. She felt “called” there by God, and the essays she wrote for her religious studies classes reflected this. They were filled with a Christian zeal that even her professors had seldom seen in their many years there. One of Pillay’s former Christian ethics professors, Dr. Bentley Jordan, remembers her as an “exceptionally Christian student who was very proud of her faith, despite, uh, extenuating circumstances.”

What Jordan cautiously refers to is one of the darkest periods of Sarah Jael Pillay’s life, of which she seldom speaks. “I want to share my experience with young people because I think it could help them make the right choice, the Christian choice, even though I, unfortunately did not.” Pillay goes on to bravely recount her brief but lurid affair with a fellow female student during the second semester of her junior year at Judson.

She and her “friend” were discovered in a compromising position in the library stacks by another student, who happened to be the editor of The Triangle, Judson’s student newspaper. Subsequently, a blistering editorial was written and the girls were inadvertently outed by the editor’s referral to Pillay’s ethnicity. As the only minority of Indian descent at the small college, the lesbian gossip spread like mold, visibly. “The hushed whispers on campus were the hardest part of my punishment,” Pillay explains with difficulty, “That, and losing my closest friends.”

After 6 months in the relationship and the ensuing public humiliation, a concerned faculty member took Pillay aside and told her about the organization Straight to Jesus. That’s when she came back to God. “Straight to Jesus was a life saver for me. After the first meeting, I severed my so-called relationship and spent several weeks after class in solitude and prayer. I attended weekly STJ groups and began to realize that the evil I participated in wasn’t about sex at all; it was about emptiness and disconnection from God. Most importantly, I discovered I wasn’t alone.” She still believes the entire affair was a test from God, which she failed. Ever contrite, Pillay accepts this as the cross she must bear. “All that time I felt I was so full of the light of God, but He was just testing me to see if I was a true Christian. I had to fall in order to be humbled before Him so that I could get up and help others.” And since then, helping others has become part of Sarah Jael Pillay’s mission.

After graduating from Judson with a Bachelor’s Degree in Ministry, Pillay spent the next 5 years participating in the Native Evangelism program of the Christian organization, World Missions. She spent time in South America, West Africa, and India and was relentless in her pursuit to spread the light of Jesus Christ to the poorest people on the planet. Pillay recollects, “As soon as they (the natives) accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior, and believe me, it took some persistence, especially with some of the idol worshippers in India, doors would open for them, and they would become a part of the World Missions community. Then we could really help them with food and basic needs because we knew their souls had been saved.”

Most importantly, what Pillay learned from her experience at World Missions was that most people don’t know that they need Jesus in their lives, until they are shown. She became adept at teaching the poor how spiritually rich they could become by committing their lives and the lives of their families to Christ. “It starts with the women, actually” Pillay instructs, “They are the ones who are the primary transmitters of faith through a family lineage. Often times, if we got the woman on board with us, we cold get her to clandestinely instruct her young children in God’s Word. Then it was like dominoes. And we prayed and prayed for the family’s well-being, especially if there was a violent father in the picture.”

Even though she was well-trained for missionary work, Pillay eventually became tired of the constant travel and began searching for ways she could be of service in her own country. That is when she took a job as a high school teacher in the New York City Public School system. “Cities are hotbeds for all kinds of vice, and I thought the youth of New York City needed someone like me.” But after just one month, she abruptly quit her job and moved back to her suburban Kansas City home. “I discovered that God had another plan for me. Teaching was much harder than I had anticipated. Also, I had been so used to smiling at people, like I imagine Jesus would have, but I realized that you don’t smile at random men in New York because you invite depravity of the worst kind.” Instead of winning over the youth of New York, Pillay set to work on her first book, and she was only 28 when it was published.

It goes without saying that deeply religious themes penetrate Pillay’s writings. In The Right Way to Live, Pillay denounces the notion that there are many paths to happiness. She writes, “Simplify your life. Getting caught up in one pseudo-spiritual path after another is Satan’s way! Fixate on God, for He knows what’s best for you.” Pillay is on a mission to spread God’s word beyond the limited missionary sense. She wants to reach the people who might not agree with her. She’s hoping that they come across her work and feel challenged by it. “Even though my father was a Hindu, he did say that confusion can be a good thing, and I happen to agree with his point.” In reading The Right Way to Live, one might be confused by some of the tough language, but read further and you’ll see that the what seems harsh, has a silver lining of the living Word of Jesus Christ, which is pure love. No wonder this was a New York Times best seller. It seems that New York didn’t eat Pillay alive, after all.

In what might be her most famous work, There is No Such Thing as Too Much, Sarah Jael Pillay bemoans the fate of Biblical morality. She points to the edict found in the Book of Genesis, Chapter 1 Verse 26. This passage gives man dominion over the earth and all of its creatures. She remarks, “We have forgotten that this planet belongs to us. We can take what is rightfully ours, provided we are not breaking any of the Commandments. What’s wrong with consumption—even what liberals call over-consumption— if God has decreed that it is right and good?” Pillay goes on to criticize whom she calls the “Green Meanies”, otherwise known as environmentalists, who insist that humans need to use less of the planet’s resources and protect what’s left. “Poppycock!” Pillay writes, “There is more than enough. And don’t forget Judgment Day is coming. Call it the effects of so-called Global Warming, but these cataclysmic events are in the hands of God, and we are powerless in the face of them. There will be only one way to survive, and that is by accepting Jesus in our hearts.” Pillay is known for these types of harangues, and that has the liberal left rallying against her. She is fueled by controversy and feels more righteous with each jibe or negative critique. Still, she has kept writing.

Pillay’s most derided book, War Works, is a response to the anti-war activists that she says, “make a mockery of the nobility of war and what it means to die for God and country.” Yes, people die in war, Pillay admits, but she goes on to claim that war, if fought correctly and with sufficient force, is like excising a tumor. “You meet that tumor with the sharpest knife, and cut it out quickly because you do not want it to metastasize.” Pillay rails against inefficient wars and claims that there is a right way and a wrong way to fight. But fight we must, especially against rogue Muslim nations such as Iran who are a threat to civilization itself.

Another threat, according to Pillay, is homosexuality, the subject of her most recent and most personal book, Straight Talk: Real Life Stories of Gay Conversions. “It took me some time to write this book, understandably, but it’s the one I’m most proud of.” Straight Talk is divided into ten chapters, each with a focus on a person who has made the permanent choice to shun homosexuality. The chapters explore each person’s life in detail and show how being saved was crucial in the process of conversion from gay to straight. It further illustrates how “happiness increases with each day away from being gay.” Praise the Lord.

Sarah Jael Pillay is one in a long line of writers who has forcefully tried to change people’s minds using controversial methods. And it seems to be working. “People need an authoritative voice in their chaotic lives, just like God in the Old Testament. They also need something to believe in, outside of themselves. If that something is as simple and as unified as God, what better way to bring folks together and really change this country’s morals for the better?”

Her parents probably don’t agree with her. To this day, their relationship is strained due to what they consider to be her constant lectures on the necessity for mass Hindu conversions. “I pray for their souls every night. I want them to be in heaven with me, but I was the one who made the choice to turn from darkness to light, and they didn’t. I don’t think about their suffering eternal damnation because that would depress me greatly and distract me from the work I was meant to do.”

Pillay’s faith has indeed helped her to persevere through the tense relationship with her parents, relatives, and friends. Yes, Sarah Pillay fervently believes that heaven is a place worth any tribulation she has to endure on earth, and she looks forward to the day that she will (hopefully) enter “God’s House.”

White Heron on Grey Canvas

in my cubicle i hear the quiet drone of the air conditioning:
the warp and woof of this place,
i'm sitting back in my ergonomic chair, closing my eyes,
and listening to that canvas—
gouached with the creamy grey paint of
keyboard taps and mouseclicks
drawers that open and close
a whisper
a solitary sneeze
a cough

this painting is just different shades of grey

until one day i step into the july sun and sit near the man-made pond,
and i see a white heron
gliding over the surface with hardly a wing beat or water ripple.
it descends into the pond’s edge and
i watch it wade gently ‘round the circumference by
holding one leg out of the water, then dipping it back in,
followed by the other, all the way around

i am silenced by its dance,
fruitless though it is

its imperfect circle contrasts my right angles
its gentle movement eases my sharp turns

its whiteness blasts through those greys, and it's gone

there’s no food here

but just for this moment, i am at ease

Oranges, Ashes, etc.

verse 31
last night we had Atmopadesa Satakam class. we read and discussed verse 31: meera, mike, komal, ashok, and me. it was heavy, heavy stuff. i believe my first introduction to the concept of assigning thing-ness and thought-ness to any form of matter came when i was around age 12 in portland, at scott and deb's house. the adults were having class with guru, and the the kids were having a mini class with prasad swami, and he was telling us that the chair was not really a chair. i remember, after some effort, getting what he was saying, and this verse really reinforced that lesson. we talked about getting past the form to the true essence of a thing. but to get past the form is no small task, and to us, it seems like a lot of mental work. at first, anyway. and then thoughts, words, etc. should be let go. it isn't as simple as just saying, "this orange isn't really an orange. 'orange' is just the name we give this conglomeration of many characteristics." without deep contemplation, i don't think it's possible to fully understand. we talked about the thoughts that we associate with various forms of matter and how we need to de-construct those also when examining a thing. for instance, komal talked about her aversion to popcorn because of a nauseating experience she had with it as a child. so when she sees 'popcorn', that memory is always there, in addition to the physical characteristics of what we call popcorn. so, in order to get beyond 'popcorn', each of us has something different to do. it's not that 'popcorn' is not real and the the absolute "clay" that animates it, so to speak, is real. but they both are, simultaneously. and the more we practice deconstructing, i think, or re-constructing, whatever the case may be, the better glimpse we can get of the "passing show" that is the phenomenal world. what's really interesting to me is the idea of phobias, and how they can potentially disappear when thusly scrutinized. we also talked about the practicality of this practice and what it means exactly. i mean, should we be "tripping out" on the phenomenal world, staring at things for hours, kind of like a mushroom or acid trip? is it something to be actively practiced? need effort be put into it? or is serenity, contemplation, and nature all that is necessary? i don't have my book in front of me, so this is where my thoughts end, for the moment. onward!
and now for something completely different...maybe?
i have once and for all come to the conclusion that i will no longer attend an institution of "higher learning". i am done with grades. even as a teacher, i felt silly giving grades, and i found them to be a hassle, more than anything. i am aligning more and more with emerson's philosophy of education, which is a combination of "drill and genius". now, to a certain extent, i can see the value of grades when you are trying to inculcate a concrete skill such as reading, writing, or arithmetic. a solid foundation of repetition and drill is necessary to gain mastery of anything. but after that mastery is achieved and the skill foundation is layed, according to ralph and me, the focus should be on manifesting the latent genius of the child, which should come from the child or adult, whatever the case may be. and in manifesting genius, what the fuck do you need grades for?? let's assume that upon entry into college, a student can read and write well and knows the fundamentals of mathematics, geometry, and science. (un-funnily enough, having taught college, i know that this is not necessarily true.) but IDEALLY, as students, we should simply be there to expand our minds, right? studying what really interests us, right? wrong. all these type As have stuck their noses into everything and ruined all of the fun! there's more i want to add to this discussion, but i am a tad flustered and must transition to another topic.
george michael
i am a huge fan. listen to jesus to a child. his lover/soulmate died of aids, and this is the song he wrote after that. it's beautiful.
http://www.rhapsody.com/-search?query=jesus+to+a+child&searchtype=RhapKeyword
working on it, peeps
i am working to free my mind of the concept of morality. i want to be more of a watcher, but somehow--thank you catholic and hindu dogma--i have grown this critic in my mind who is such a fucking drag! i am trying to simply be. there is no right and wrong. it is not necessarily wrong to lie. it is not necessarily right to tell the truth. mind you, i haven't come to any conclusions, but i just want to be left alone!
ashes to ashes
my dad's remains will be spread in aluva puzha (the 'z' isn't a 'z' sound at all, more like an 'r', mixed with a 'y', virtually impossible for the non-malayalee or non-tamil tongue) which is a river in the town of aluva in kerala, where my dad spent many years of his youth. he used to swim in that river, my cousin tells me. my cousin is my mom's age, so she's more like my aunt. my dad was an adventurous spirit, and i miss him even more when i hear stories like this. after that, we are heading north to river ganga, in rishikesh, possibly further north to badrinath. this has yet to be decided. more to come about this...

enjoy the show!

Hey Dad, I am You!

i'm worth it?
so this will go down as the year art took a back seat to money. we were pretty shameless for a while there, wanting to live on art alone. doing whatever it took to squeek by. Vincent did it, though he was destitute, save for the loving grace of his brother, Theo van Gogh. [Vincent's great grand nephew was murdered in amsterdam in 2004, by muslim extremists.] we're fortunate enough that my mother believes that ashok is incredibly gifted, and she helped us when we needed it. i have no shame about this because we weren't living large, ne'er a vacation have we taken in 9 years, ok yes, little ones now and again to Seattle, Portland, Sedona, Scottsdale, etc. But never out of the country and never extravagant. our single extravagance has always to do with food, but if you know ashok (or his brother) you know that ample amounts of food--glorious food--is crucial to their existence. they must have really starved in their past lives. now i'm channeling this into my visits to the grocery store and am really good about cooking, as opposed to eating out--which is SO overrated. ANYway...my point has nothing to do with any of this, but wasn't it a pleasant digression? i live for the tangent, in the non-trigonometrical sense. SO, i was blue this weekend because i got a call from a recruiter in the educational publishing field for a position that i am sure i am unqualified for. after i spoke with her, i was sure i would never hear from her again, but she left me another message today. you know, now i am on the goal-less path. no future circumstance is going to make me happy. i know this. but i am going to be brutally honest with this broad. if she still wants me, i now--very recently-- know what i'm worth, in my egoistic framework. fuck yeah, i'm worth the 80-95k salary range. i'll try not to think of all the indian over achievers who were making that kind of dough after college. whatev! i don't know what i mean anymore, but if she wants me for this job, and i want the job, then ok. i am not salivating for it or putting any stock into the future.

am i in control?

first, a little more wine. ok, you maybe don't know about Guru Nitya Chaitanya Yati, but every week (ideally!) a small group of us here n Chicago gets together to discuss the Atmopadesa Satakam, or The One Hundred Verses of Self-Instruction, revealed to us by Narayana Guru, Guru Nitya's guru's guru. are you confused yet?? Not self as in you the personality, the ego, but beyond and within that. you don't have to read atmo to get what i'm saying--not that i get what i'm saying--, but atmo spurred this train of thought, that's all. so for years i've been living with this notion that i control my fate. that my thoughts have a direct impact on what happens to me, kind of like that Oprah book club book The Secret. there was a book like that called The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier, written in the 1940s that has much the same philosophy behind it, which is that we as individuals hold the cards. i had/have this fervent belief that i could control my circumstances, and for awhile, my reality reflected this "notion". but now, i am coming to question these things. not to say, as in the protestant notion of pre-destination, that no matter what i do or think it just doesn't fucking matter because this life will unfold the way it was "meant". not quite like that, but...what? i have come to such an impasse that i have let it all go. i want nothing, well that's not necessarily true for everything, but philosophically i want nothing. and i no longer believe in the power of "positive thinking", and i don't necessarily believe that this is a bad thing. mind you, i have come to no conclusions about anything. i am merely thinking. shit, that's probably been the problem all along.

i miss my daddy

that's it.

I Love You, Henry D.

a kiss on the cheek - a slap, too

two pieces of mail from NYC today. the first, a postcard from sheila. it always makes me happy to see her handwriting. i am one of those rare types who LOVED junior high school, with all of its sock hops, drama, and silliness. junior high will always be entwined with sheila marie domingo. i met sheila in 5th grade, but we didn't become best friends until 6th grade, and for three years we were inseparable. then at the beginning of our freshman year of high school, she moved to Martinez, California. sigh. ten years later in 1996, she moved from Calli to NYC, stopping at my place in chitown along the way. well, actually she moved to staten island, but we all have to start somewhere! two years later, ashok and i headed east ourselves. by this time sheila had a TINY rent controlled apartment in the east village, across the street from my first teaching job, east side community high school. she still lives there because, dammit, you don't give up rent control in NYC, even if you have to bathe in the sink and shit in the closet! so what, pray tell, is other piece of mail? jesus. ok, weeks and weeks ago, i sent a fax to the NYC department of education requesting an official accounting of the time i taught there. let me just preface this, all of my experiences at the DOE were stress filled and sometimes downright depressing: excruciating waits, shuffling from this apathetic person to that, incomprehensible paperwork, etc. so it should come as no surprise that they didn't accurately account for the time i spent teaching there. not even close. my time at MCNDHS, according to them, was three months, not the three years i spent there. i won't go into the other injustices, but yea--a hard slap. it's ok though, i know what i've done, and i will not tarry in the past.

i'm a hypocrite - but i can try, still, and keep trying

i drove my SUV today, and i will again tomorrow. but then i carpool for three days in a little hatchback. it's something. soon i won't drive at all, and i'll go live in the woods - like Henry D.T.

corporate comrades

when i started working in cubicle land, i had a supervisor who was in her mid-twenties. i never met her, just chatted on the phone. in my experience, from working in restaurants to teaching, twentysomethings just don't know what the fuck they're doing when it comes to managing people. they are unnecessarily stern, too eager to please their superiors, rule followers of the most annoying sort, and just a complete and utter DRAG! ashok shares the same experience in his cubicleland, as well. oy! oh art, where art thou?? of course, we've created our worlds, and there is no one to blame but ourselves for what we have wrought. now to wrought again. oh man, this is a great quote from eckhart tolle: "when the mind is running your life, conflict, strife, and problems are inevitable." now why didn't i think of that? i guess i did, if i remove the "I".

singin' the blues in chitown

i am in the right town, i guess. eckhart also has an explanation that i like about all the pain, both physical and emotional, that comes with the menstrual cycle:

Apart from her personal pain-body, every woman has her share in what could be described as the collective female pain-body--unless she is fully conscious. This consists of accumulated pain suffered by women partly through male subjugation of the female, through slavery, exploitation, rape, childbirth, child loss, and so on, over thousands of years. The emotional or physical pain that for many women precedes or coincides with the menstrual flow is the pain-body in its collective aspect that awakens from its dormancy at that time, although it can be triggered at other times too.

~ from The Power of Now p. 167

more to come soon, believe it!

Thneeds, Lepidopterans, and Carver

how to ease my mind?
waste. i am so sick of waste, but far be it from me to tell others how to live. i'll just judge them behind their backs and write nasty things about them on this blog! i kid, kind of. China is poisoning its environment for U.S. consumerism, not to mention the global ecological impact. americans have to have their cheap wal-mart crap, and China has the manpower and the raw materials to meet these so-called needs, which are ever-increasing it seems. it makes me think of the lorax--again. truffula trees being cut and factories built, mucking up the environment. it's funny, the product that is in such high demand in the book is a weird type of sweater called a thneed, which is a clever combination of the words thing+need. anyway, i was thinking about certain writers, such as Orwell, Huxley, and Dr. Seuss, to name a few, and kind of marvel at their sense of prophecy. Huxley, for example, was right on with the depiction of the effects of soma, and that was in the 1930s. pharmaceuticals are the new it drugs, and kids are renouncing the natural plants and herbs of yesteryear, for pills which make them zombies or pills like adderol that make them want to vaccuum for hours or some shit. it won't be long until everyone is on some pill, unable to FEEL, really feel, which is something that Helmholtz Watson in Brave New World desperately wants. he wants to write words that are "piercing", which is impossible in a soma-hazed society. they just won't get it, and they may even react with a hive mind, ready to pounce on those that do. anyway, back to needs and waste. i always reach a point of utter hopelessness when i think about this, and i know i'm not alone. everything comes to mind at once, like a flash- flood waterfall. i start thinking about the plethora of huge fish that Lewis and Clark witnessed as they were exploring "the new world" and how it's not fair that i don't get to see that, and instead i get to see HORRIBLE, UGLY, COOKIE-CUTTER housing developments. then i think about the gorilla and the tiger on the dangerous cusp of extinction. styrofoam and plastic bags make me want to puke, especially when sometimes i use them. so Winston Smith discovered in 1984 that hope does not lie in the proles. the masses don't want to change. they will never want to give up their things and reduce their waste--that's my observation, not Winston's. they will keep wasting and expanding, until...i don't know. is it best then to focus on my personal ecological circumference and stop worrying about how the forests, animals, and water supplies of the world are fucked? it sure would ease my mind in a way, but it wouldn't help the situation any, or would it? this will warrant more reflection. onward!

caterpillars then butterflies, oh my!

back in june, meera, mike, ashok and i went to Stockton and Galena IL. Stockton is a tiny farm town, but not flat at all like what one expects of the midwest. here's the interesting part. during the ice age, a glacier covered most of the midwest, and as it receded it left the Great Lakes and this area mostly flat. but the glacier didn't come as far west as the Stockton/Galena area, so that place is hilly, like Iowa. it's so pretty!! here's a pic of the farm house where we stayed--a friend of meera's let us use it for the weekend. anyway, instead of having a farm there, he let the land turn back to it's natural prairie state, which you can't see here. anyway, there's plenty of nice forestland around and we took lots of walks. on one particular walk, i came across two leaves on a nondescript plant that were oh so delicately webbed together. not entirely together, though. there was just enough room to peek through to see what was hiding between the leaves. anyway, it was a caterpillar, the cutest, fattest caterpillar you ever did see. it was smooth green with black dots for eyes that looked dabbed on with a felt tipped marker. after that encounter, i've been having synchronistic experiences with butterflies. i see them all over the place. it's great.
time to read

yup. i'm starting on Prose's "books to be read imediately" list. i chose Raymond Carver's Where I'm Calling From: Selected Stories to start. i've read and taught a few of Carver's stories, and now's my chance to get into the nitty gritty. so excited. i did go to borders yesterday to buy that and Cathedral, of which nearly all the stories are in the former book, so i'm debating whether or not to return it. also, i bought drown by Junot Diaz. Cole taught that book a lot at Manhattan Comp, and I've always wanted to read it. She has such exquisite taste in everything. anyway, i felt a twinge of guilt going to borders as opposed to my local used indie store, but i got over it right quick. here's my fantasy: a miracle happens, and i no longer have to work the 9 to 5 grind, yet we have a nice income, and i can read all day long, completely guilt free! write, too. and spend more time in mother nature. ah....

Music, Travesty, and a Good Read

rush
on saturday night i went with my baby (Kish and Avi, too) to see Rush at Tinley Park. it was one of the best concerts i've seen! the song that stood out most to me was witch hunt (from the moving pictures album). man, it was hauntingly powerful!! Listen to it, and make sure to turn it up and close your eyes (smoke em if you got em!). the studio version doesn't compare to the power of the live performance, but you'll get the idea. after the show, we wanted to see if we could reach the stage to get an Ashoka cd to one of the roadies. Rush roadies seem to be a tight knit group, so we thought what the hell. As the herd was milling out, we made our way from the lawn to the pavilion, surprisingly with little resistance. the roadies had their hands full, and i wasn't about to bother them. ashok told me to say to whomever i gave the cd to that "it was a gift for the band." anyway, there was a woman standing at the far left of the stage, closest to where i was standing on the pavilion. she had a "crew" sticker on her jeans, but definitely was not a roadie. i got her attention with a polite excuse me, and handed her the cd whether she wanted it or not, saying the words ashok had instructed me to use. she took it, looked at it for awhile, and it ended up in her purse. lord knows if that cd will ever see the light of day. but i am hoping that rush surrounds themselves with people who love music, from the bottom up, and hopefully this woman, whoever she is, will do what needs to be done with it. that is, getting it into Alex, Geddy, or Neal's hands!!! the next day, the proverbial fire was lit under Ashok's ass and we got two press kits mailed. Yes, we fed-exed a package to Anthem Records, Rush's indie label out of Toronto. Driving to Nowhere stands up after three years because it's timeless, and i am betting that Anthem will get it. Check it: http://myspace.com/ashokamusic
the vmas
ok, talk about dichotomies. i am transitioning from musical masters to musical infants, actually. but i dare! last night the vmas were on, and what can i say that hasn't already been said? a lot, actually. i want to take credit for this next idea, but i think my baby came up with it first. so during the pre-show--yes, i watched the pre-show--there was a "performance" by Nicole Sherweingzinger (whatever the fuck her name is). Anyway, this broad was doing the totally cliche striptease thing, shaking her ass. Then some dumb rapper comes out alpha-maling all over the place, spewing and spitting and shit. these bitches--sorry-- might as well come out and show their vaginas to the cameras because it cannot possibly get anymore sexed up. why stop there, you want to be edgy and sexier??? why not just have a pap smear on television and lip synch while doing it? the performance can also have a sexy gynecologist as the rapper. but i digress. the rest of the show was a debacle of monumental proportions. the music industry is collapsing, and these are the "products" it has to offer. complete and utter crap. Every fucking act was disingenuous and offensive to my sensibilities, but there was something sickly fascinating about it. notice that i didn't mention britney spears. the poor girl was pimped out by mom from a young age, and this is the result. her situation reminds me of the Buddhist story about a dancer who was beautiful and coveted, and gave many performances to the men in town. one day she looked out of her window and noticed a handsome monk. she sent her servant to invite him to her suite, but he would always decline her invitations. so she continues dancing and then something happens. i don't remember exactly, but something like an accusation of a scarlet letter sort. The dancer is then stoned by the same men who used to enjoy her. she has scars all over her face, and her physical beauty is lost. needless to say she is forlorn and no longer wants to be seen. it is then that the monk comes to her. she wonders why, at the nadir of her life, he wants to see her. but he comes just at the right moment, when her mind is no longer focused solely on her physical body. she is very receptive to his teachings and eventually shaves her head and becomes a monk herself. anyway, after britney spears shaved her head and all, i thought about this story. it is a deep strain on the soul to always be an object of lust. at some point, the eye needs to turn inward.
a personal mission
last month ashok and i drove to Knoxville, TN for Emily and Kunal's wedding reception. we got a nice opportunity to bond with Em, Scott, and Deb. anyway, Deb was mentioning a book by Francine Prose called Reading Like a Writer: a guide for people who love books and for those who want to write them. She sent the book to me, bless her, and I am savoring it slowly. there is a list called "117 books to read immediately". Check out the link. I want to get through this list. not religiously or speedily, but slowly and earnestly, over time. i am excited!
http://www.bookofjoe.com/2006/09/117_books_to_be.html


here's a pic that Emily sent us. don't we look like an oreo? love that creamy filling!

Starving and Consuming in the Universe

starved rock
it's easy to lose sight of art and beauty in cubicle land. i keep a picture of myself in this canyon in Starved Rock on my desktop. there is something magical in those canyons. rock formations in general, i think, have deep power. ashok and i felt it at the Grand Canyon and also in Sedona. we just wanted to sit and be quiet for hours. what's up with people that want to bring their humvees and other disruptive vehicles out into nature? i don't get it. when we--meera, mike, ashok, and me-- were in Starved Rock over memorial day weekend, we saw this family trudging through the muddy trails dragging along a plastic monstrosity with wheels. the children weren't even on it and it was evidently burdensome. jesus. trail erosion was not on their radar; they might as well have been at Great America. We managed to find some peace and quiet, though. Like in this shot that mike took. awesome.

universe

one thing that i remember doing with my dad was going outside to look at the stars. we just stared at them without talking. i like to think about space a lot. it puts my "problems" in perspective. it's funny, actually. a little tiny human has a problem! think about jupiter the giant, and saturn, a planet of gas that could float on water! the sun, 333 million miles away, giving us warmth, and sometimes burning our skin. a confluence of cosmic accidents created this perfect place called earth and it's zooming through space and turning on it's axis so fast that it appears still. and we're hitching a ride for a while. this is the Helix Nebula, expelled by a dying star. this exists now.

consumption

that's what they used to call TB back in the day. John Keats died of it at 26 (1795-1821). i found a pocket sized book of Keats' poems in my dad's closet. he (Keats) had such a sad life, but like Vincent, there must have been immense happiness in it too, the happiness of creating art. i can just see him writing his poems by candlelight. he was in love with a woman, i forgot her name, but once he came down with TB, he had to break off the engagement. he succumbed to his illness fast. he wrote many letters to her, and his poetry is tinged with melancholy. if you really read ode to a nightingale, it's not hard to cry. anyway, this part started out in my mind as something to do with 21st century consumption, then i started thinking about John.

until next time.

My First Time

This blog begins as my thoughts overflow. Some things that are chronically on my mind as of late: deforestation, conservation, and procreation.

deforestation
I can't believe the rate at which it's happening. Wild spaces are so important to the human spirit, and I don't know nearly enough people that take advantage of national parks or being out in nature, away from our driven-to-distraction 21st century life. Nature has healing powers, literally and figuratively. Is the news always bad? I am thinking about Cote d' Ivoire, The Amazon rain forest, and suburban developments that chop down trees to plant new, orderly ones. Will there come a time in human history that national parks will become overcrowded with people looking for respite? Will they eventually be turned into living space for ever-expanding human populations? The Lorax was prophetic. I feel like it's happening now. Then I hear the words of Ramana Maharshi, "Take care of the present, and the future will take care of itself." Yeah, I'll try that.

conservation
Thank god that we're one of the wards in Chicago that is experimenting with blue bin recycling program. I am at work (cubicle land) and when I go to the washroom, I notice that when women dry their hands they use up to 3 paper napkins. I always get irked about this. When I use toilet paper I visualize the sewer sludge that it will eventually become. Way to focus on the present, I know. Not to mention disgusting, but I do like the scatological talk. There will be more of that, for sure. You can look forward to in depth discussions on ass-washing vs. toilet paper, the dimensions of the perfect poop, and poop-well-to-live-well, among other topics. Oh yeah, baby.

procreation
I am ready to have a kid. Shocking I know, considering that I was adamantly against it for awhile, but I think we need more freethinkers in the world, so I may, in the not too distant future, pop one out, or two. I know I can't control what the kid will be like, but I am betting on the genetic pool that he/she/it will be a non-conformist. Seriously though, after my dad kicked the bucket in April, I've changed. And all of the sudden I am ready. You better believe that I won't be using those evil plastic diapers, though.

More to come, mo fo's!